The end of this road...

I am sorry, and you all know this.
I am so sorry because whatever ends comes tomorrow, this should not be the ending of this story.
I do not dare to say that it should have ended sooner.
It just, it should have been different. Way too different.
When I step back and try to look the whole of this. I can't.
I don't know how did we come to this, or when the path shifted like this.
I have made mistakes and then some, and hurts, probably no one knows how much.
I was a beast of ego, perhaps, but at the same time I don't thing I was evil in fact.
I am seeing, my first attitude as some short of shadow of a group, and pain that came from that.
My return to recover an item that either I never recovered or that I recovered in better terms years later... My crush in that period, and her echoes why not.
The time I took away, time that while "Among the damned" as someone told me...I remember fondly.
My come back and my new friend, and my old acquitance becoming my friend.
The good teacher, the strange one, the clothes changing.
The start of the real deal, and me being kinna up to the task.
Then the finding of love in there and some good team efforts.
A dry summer and works that I did not enjoyed...but here's the deal I finished them even then.
And then some more classes, now alone.
And little bits more, failing one.
And more, doing not that bad, but evading some.
And more, except not really, just me reading Les Mis and other books.
And more, a semester like all of them should have been.
And more, a last bit of bitterness to remember.
And more, now trying to teach things that I never learnt in the kind of enviroment I detest the most.
And then nothing, time, and projects that do not ammount enough.
Here comes the end, except, I want to say, consiously, I know.
It took me so much time that I know, even if I survive and pass it won't save me.
It won't mean a change.
Not for me.
Because I have a dream, an objective, so big and stupid that requires a lot more and perhaps a lot less than having all the subjects of a career cleared.
I need to face it, with the kind of purposes that I have, with the kind of mind setting, with the kind of me.
It is going to be hell before I accomplish something anyway.
I am convinced now, that we all have to cross hell in our lives.
“In the middle of the road of my life I awoke in the dark wood where the true way was wholly lost”
And then by crossing hell we refine, we define ourselves.
I used to think somehow this was my hell, and it was, but it does not end here.
I will drag hell as far as I decide to, by way of innaction.
I want to know what is defined, refined already, and I want to go to the hill.
I am in the middle of the road of my life, I was there two years ago, I am still there, yet I have walked some path.
This road, does not end now, it is likely I won't get my miracle conceived, because I've been no miracle enough.
This hell however can, it can end right now.
Purgatory may start as well.