Chapter 61

Awake all night, yes awake all night.
If I could know, if it is going wrong and down.
If this year will end bad as the last one ended.
But I cannot tell u how time will go, I can't tell myself what's gonna happen.
You know that.
For my faith you have no such thing.
For my hopes n my dreams my friend, my old friend.
Am I only mad for the things you said about them?
When I thought one of them
Why am I ready to let go just for her?
Why am I ready to let go everything just for her!?
If she doesn't see me! Actually not in years.
I could die, she won't cry.
I've been moving on.
Walking on without her.
But As I said she's my impossible, don't know if she always was but she will always be.
And I cannot tell you how bad yet so good it feels to think about her.
Not just because of that pretty face or that nice ass.
She was much much more! I guess you cannot understand. She wasn't shallow or stupid, it is stupid if you let yourself believe it.
She was night, she was sadness. The conflict, the fragility, and those destructive principles of her undeniable beauty.
She was, she is. I know she is, doesn't matter if she's been out of my eyes for an age of the world.
But you don't and i don't know.
I maybe I accept it. I may love the ghost of her.
But hell then don't talk.
Heck yep I'm a bloody psycho!
A pahetic masochist!
Let alone with an image of another place.
Another time.
But hell I enjoyed that time, that age, that place.
You weren't there, you cannot tell, you cannot tell!
So don't, just don't.
Fuck up with the image of me.
Not with hers.
You cannot understand.
I cannot understand why I'm ready to let you go just because.
Just because of the beautiful dream she is, right now as she was back then.
Love is selfdestructive. But it may consume me as well.
Destruct me with it.
Take me down.
And I will be going down.
Just for an image.
An image always with me.
Always and never.
I don't know if you understood the dichotomy (Which at the time I son't know how to write correctly)
I don't know honestly if it will end up smooth n nice.
I don't know because all the things I used to believe with all my heart as you know were fake!
And fake hurts me so bad.
And perhaps just maybe I cannot trust you anymore, not because of you.
No one sees, but that's because I'm not letting them see. And my dear old friend the one I'm letting in it's not you.
And you can be mad at me. With all due right!
And I'm mad at you with all the wrong reasons.
And I'm afraid!
But you're not the one I'm telling how afraid I am.
And that's the reson it's all upside down.
And it is not bad because of that.
We are supposed to walk away from our yesterday.
I am not suppose to loose everything the 03 brought me.
I've lost a lot already, trying to keep it.
I'm glad this is not like two of the previous post bout my freakin cousin!
I'm glad it is about you, I'm glad I'm thinking about the end of this and not just of the things already dead.
I'm going down, going down so bad, and I'm not completely down but it's not making you smile.
It's making her blush, she's keeping the hope inside me.
Rahne is gone Faith is gone!
Layla's gone hope is gone!
Not for me.
So you said "ugh!" even when she decided to...
So you just said stupid even when she's doing maths right now, even when she's a complex destroyed psichologic entity, even when she's by some means more complex than us.
So you said He's not around us.
So you said a lot of things and I know you really believe them.
And I don't.
Never was one of those who cannot take different opinions or ideas.
But this feels wrong.
So wrong
Like hitting my fist on dirt mud.
Love is self destructive when born in 03.
The bandit (The not blind one) is gone, back into the draws her spirit freed by me now in the body of some little girl perhaps.
My ex's gone tired to hear all my troubles all my problems, she's not so gone since we'll talk a lil colder a lil better right now. But she's tired of listening. And I understand. You know I do.
The sifu, my sifu is gone, playing with the world, with a smile on his face, a smile i want to hit so bad till i have no part of my fists without our blood combined.
My friend is fading away, I found that out. It hitted me bad.
I smiled, because of how the south is saving me right now.
Right now, when everything else collapsed. South is still strong.
My lost war made it strong enough.
My lost war.
It seems like meaningfull.
My lost war yes I'll see my lost war become my victory.
Wish you're at my side. But i couldn't tell.
Because you know wish she was at my side...she won't be.
Cuz I always tought he was gonna be...and that won't happen.
I cannot tell you the future.
Because after all, long ago more than five years from now, I was doing scout for my then best friend, i was seeing her lovely eyes when I first said "Hi!"
And i couldn't tell how this was gonna end.
I cannot right now.
Fortunately.
There are always things to consider.
Things to change.
But things change as well.
Sorry.
Not the kind of "I'm sorry Mai" cuz you know maybe I will never say that kind of sorry.
Just sorry.
Excuse the bad thoughts!
I never...
ever wanted this to cross my mind.
But Gandalf didn't want a lot of things to happen and they did.
Second Impact.
Third impact.
Four Impact.
You know them all.
You were even told of First Impact.
If I could go back, if I could go back, to that moment, oh so long ago, that morning when you came for me to read a piece of ROTK. I miss that.
I miss that.
I miss that.
Anakin you're breaking my heart.
Once more. Don't take care.
I already know were the shares go, I mean the position to put them back.
I'll be oke
I promise!
Trust me. You can trust me. I don't think I've failed that much for u not to trust me.
I'm gonna be oke.